Ken Jones

This interview is just one of the channels by which I have tried to give additional exposure to Ken Jones, or @akvet as he is known on Twitter. Find out more about him here.

Ken:
The comedian Gallagher observed that "My comedy is based on real life. My problem is that real life ain’t that damn funny."

Thinking about this question I realized that the military humor in Viet Nam, at least among the grunts, was very different than what I had experienced back in the states. In the states the risqué jokes were typically about women and sex.

In state-side units, before I went to Viet Nam, jokes were a way of learning about a new guy. What did they laugh at? What kind of jokes did a person tell? The humor was a way of fitting in and being accepted. Humor tended to be inclusive.

Among combat troops in Viet Nam the humor was dark. The stories often recounted hard won lessons. Humor was used for the "initiation" of FNGs (Fucking New Guys) to the culture of the grunts.

In the mid-1960s, Julie Andrews starred in the firm version of The Sound of Music. It was a huge hit. People went back to theaters over and over again to see the movie. As a result virtually everyone was aware of the popularity of The Sound of Music.

In our unit The Sound of Music was used as part of one of the first initiation rituals that replacements were exposed to.

The set up for a replacement’s initiation ritual went like this.

An FNG arrives in our platoon amid jeers of:
  • "Fresh meat"
  • "Does your mama know where you are?"
  • "360 and how many days?"
  • "Man just shoot yourself now. Save us the trouble of having to tag and bag your ass in the bush."
Humor reaffirmed the bond among the grunts, and created a boundary that excluded the new guy.

Sometime, on the first or second day after the FNG reports to his squad, the platoon sergeant stops by to check on him. As the platoon sergeant turns to leave he has his "I’ll kill you right now" face on. He looks directly at the new guy and says, "When you get yourself killed try not to be standing close to any of my people."

This imparted two important lessons to the FNG. First, that he knows absolutely nothing about surviving in combat. Second, the combat veterans in his squad are the ones who will teach him how to survive, if he is worth the effort.

The set up for the initiation joke is now complete.

The Sound of Music is a movie people go to see over and over again. The new guy has been told that one, he is clearly not a member of the grunts culture. Second, his survival depends on being accepted and taught by combat vets in his platoon. The platoon sergeant views the new guy as just a meat sack that took a combat veterans place.

Sometime during the day the platoon sergeant begins talking and laughing with a group of combat vets.

Grunt One, speaking to the replacement: "Hey man, the sarge is over there laughin’ and scratchin’.

New Guy: Glancing quickly then eyes back to cleaning his weapon. "Damn, I didn’t think he ever laughed.

Grunt: "Oh yeah, he laughs all the time, 'specially when he tells the story about how many times his sister has seen The Sound of Music.

NG: "Yeah?"

Grunt: "Oh, yeah man! You gotta hear that story."

New Guy: "Nah, I’m fine right here."

The platoon sergeant listens and laughs at the other grunts stories being told within the group.

Grunt: Sarge don’t tell 'bout how many times his sister seen Sound 'a Music 'till somebody asks him."

New Guy: "Well, I’ll wait and hear it another time."

Grunt: "You kiddin'? We go back to the bush tomorrow. The Sarge don't joke when we're in Charlie's country."

New Guy: "Aaahh."

Grunt: "You better go now. Everybody's standin' around smokin' and jokin'. Go on. Just kinda wander over and listen."

New Guy: "You think?"

Grunt: "Definitely my man. You got to get to know the guys."

The new guy takes a roundabout way, but eventually winds up standing with the grunts listening to the platoon sergeant.

The talk goes on for a while until the grunts have intentionally shifted enough so that the new guy is part of the group. The chatter goes on and one of the grunts moves the conversation to his pardner’s recent R&R.

Grunt Two: "My man just got back from R&R."

Grunt Three: "Oh, yeah!"

Grunt Two: "Where’d you go?"

Grunt Three: "Bangkok man. It was fine!"

Grunt Two: "You get some good stuff, man?"

Grunt Three: "Good stuff? Shiiit. I had this one chick, I thought she was gonna’ suck my eyeballs right outa’ my head."

Grunt Two: "Damn!"…Two months and I’m definitely goin’ there!"

Grunt Three: "Yeah, if you don’t get your balls blown off first."

Grunt Two, shaking his head: "I know that’s right."

Another grunt asks the platoon sergeant a question.

Grunt Four: "How’s your sister, Sarge?" All the grunts chuckle and nod.

Sarge: "Damn. That girl ain’t gonna’ ever gonna’ get laid. She spends all her time at the theatre."

Grunt Three: "What movie she watch Sarge?"

Sarge: "Ah, that Sound of Music bullshit."

New Guy: Feeling like he’s beginning to be part of the group the new guy speaks up, "Oh yeah, Sarge? How many times has your sister seen The Sound of Music?"

The entire group goes silent. Various versions of, "Damn man…" "Oooo, man you are cherry!" are uttered as the grunts move away and leave the new guy standing by himself.

The sergeant slowly turns his head to focus intently on the new guy. His eyes are black and piercing. His face turns an even deeper shade of red than his sunburn. The new guy is frozen.

Sergeant: "You cherry son of a bitch, my sister is blind!

The new guy scurries back to his squad, blushing with embarrassment and shame. Every grunt who has witnessed this initiation ceremony bursts out laughing because it happened to them too.

Arriving back with his squad he goes over to the grunt who told him to go ask the platoon sergeant about his sister.

New Guy: "You son of a bitch! You knew that was going to happen."

Grunt One: "Sure did."

New Guy: "Is his sister really blind?"

Grunt One: "Man, he ain’t got no sister."

New Guy: "Why’d you send me over there?"

Grunt One: "Cherries need to get through initiation as fast. Learn slow, die fast. Welcome to the Nam."

New Guy: "Initiation! Bullshit!"

Grunt One: "See? You don’t even know how to learn yet, cherry."

New Guy: "Learn. Learn what, that everybody thinks I’m an asshole?"

Grunt: "Sarge just taught you some important shit man, and just be talkin’ ‘bout what other bros think.

New Guy: "Yeah. So what’s the lesson?"

Grunt One: "In the 'Nam, when everything looks peaceful, we’re about to get in some serious shit." You don’t relax ever in the bush. You relax and Charlie will definitely fuck you up."

New Guy: "Initiation? Damn."

Grunt One: "It ain’t over cherry."

New Guy: "It’s not over?"

Grunt One: "Nope."

New Guy: "When does it end?"

Grunt One: "You kill your first gook; the LT buys you a case of beer. A case of cold beer in the bush makes you everbody’s friend."

So it begins. Three hundred sixty and how many days?